What I Want

Yes, I want Dick Jauron fired.

Yes, I want Trent Edwards to never see an NFL start again.

Yes, I want my fantasy football team to give points for penalty yards like hockey does for penalty minutes - because I'm taking the Bills offensive line with the first pick next year.

Yes, I want Poz back on the field if only to keep from seeing Jon Corto at starting linebacker.

Yes, I want another Sabres game as soon as possible to push this afternoon from my memory.

But more than any of these things - I want those three hours of my life back. Never have I ever felt so helpless, bored and apathetic during a Buffalo sporting event. I want to care so badly - they are my team after all - but I can't. Part of me hates myself for not caring, but a bigger part of me hates the organization that has me running from a team that I am genetically predisposed to love despite everything.

Apparently pathetic losses game after game trump genetics.

Thanks, Trent, Dick, and everybody else over at One Bills Drive - I guess you saved me a lot of heartbreak this season. Because of you, I no longer care enough to get upset.

And that has me more upset than anything.

Looking for a Reason

It's that time again. Football season is upon us, exactly 11 hours away. I should be feeling ecstatic right now - one of my favorite sports is back for another season.

In truth, I'm not ready.

Last year, I wrote a post about hope. I wrote about the Bills making me want to believe again because I'm a fan, and that's what fans do.

This year, though, I'm not feeling very hopeful. The preseason was a disaster, and the game tonight against the Patriots looks to be no better. Sometimes I wonder if we weren't picked for this game just to show off Tom Brady's return to absolute dominance over teams on national television.

However, I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the pessimist, the one who's week gets ruined by a bad game. I don't want to see my team struggle and sit back with nothing to do but yell at the screen and sink dejectedly into bed tonight after it's all over. I don't want to feel like the entire season is done if we have a poor showing tonight.

That's why I wish I could stop time right now, before kickoff - before Brady's first touchdown and Trent's 2,000th check-down.

I want to have hope. I want to believe. I want to think that maybe, with a little help from the divine intervention that always seems to go against us , the Bills can pull off one of the biggest upsets I would have ever seen.

I'm afraid that the start of the game will be the end of my hope for the season. So I'll cling to these last few hours of totally delusional optimism because they may be all I have left.

However, there's always that chance that some miracle could happen and totally delusional optimism could reign again in Buffalo after tonight. If there's one thing being a fan has taught me, it's to never let your faith disappear totally.

I'll still be there, watching and cheering, every game this season. I just want this team to give me a reason to keep coming back each week.

Wish I Was Blogging About Nice Things

There were plenty of nice things I could have blogged about this past month:

*My trip to the Football Hall of Fame (a week before the induction, though)
*My trip to training camp
*What I wish the Sabres were doing with this offseason
*Catwalk for Charity being moved up to November (thank God - less time to wait!)

But instead, I'm up in my room blogging on my 21st birthday instead of partying hard (or hardly partying, knowing me) because of something not so nice.

Something pretty embarrassing and kind of sad.

It's one thing for an athlete you like to get arrested - it's another thing if that athlete gets arrested for beating up a cab driver because he won't give him 20 cents.

I suppose you expect athletes to get into trouble with the law. I also suppose you expect for it to sometimes be highly publicized with every gory detail analyzed by the media and people typing on family PCs just like me.

I just never expected it to happen to Buffalo's brightest young talent, especially not over such a stupid thing.

When I heard the news about Pat Kane's arrest yesterday, I was honestly shocked. I thought of him as this great ambassador for our city - someone who was proud of his roots and seemed to love this city as much as we loved him. Now, I'm just going to think of him as that kid who beat up a cab driver.

I know that we shouldn't put athletes up on pedestals because they have their faults and issues like all people do. I also know, though, that most people don't assault someone for not having proper change. This isn't just a kid being a stupid kid - this is a kid doing something no one in their right mind should do.

I guess this ranting is just coming from a place of disappointment. I saw how much the little boys I know look up to Pat Kane and all he has accomplished. Yesterday, I had to explain to my cousin what was going on, and I hate having to tell a kid that someone that they look up to acted in a way that they should never emulate.

The thing is, athletes know that people look up to them. I'm sure Pat Kane just wants to be a regular kid when he comes home for the summer, and I understand that. But the thing is, he's not a regular kid. He has a lot of things regular kids will never get to have, and there is a price to pay for that. The price is actually not that difficult from my perspective - just act responsible; be someone that your fans can be proud of.

Hopefully, I'll blog about something more pleasant tomorrow. I just wish it took something happier than this to get me out of my writer's block.

Closing Time

Mark Mulville/The Buffalo News

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..."

This line from Semisonic's "Closing Time" perfectly captures the feeling in HSBC Arena during Buffalo's 6-1 win over Boston. Sure, the win was great, but there was a palpable feeling in the air that something was ending, something bigger than even the regular season.

Maybe it really was just the feeling that another season was ending, this time before my eyes. I've never been to the last game of the season before, so maybe this is how it feels when a playoff-less year concludes on home ice. However, there is no denying that big changes seem to be in store for this offseason, and the tension was evident all around the arena.

Last season, there were a myriad of excuses that both the team and fans gave for missing the playoffs - learning new roles, changes in how the game was being played, growing up...

This season, those excuses will fall on deaf ears if anyone is naive enough to even try and use them. There are simply no excuses for what happened this time around; if they aren't grown up by now, I have a feeling what we're facing is a case of terminal adolescence.

There's no doubt that some changes will be made this summer; nothing stays the same in professional sports from year to year. The pain of this season had me asking a lot of questions about what I was seeing:

Did I just watch Teppo Numminen play in his last NHL game? If so, there was a great sign across from our seats that said "Thank You Teppo," and it brought a sad smile to my face. That man deserved a Stanley Cup.

Did I just see Lindy Ruff's last game behind the Sabres' bench?

Will those people in the section over from me be right with their "We want Darcy fired" chants?

Did I just see the last game in a Sabres uniform by Jaro Spacek? Henrik Tallinder? Jochen Hecht? Who will be here when this ice is laid down once again in the Fall?

No matter the letdowns, I've come to love the guys on this team since 2005. In my mind, tonight is the end of an era. My gut feeling is that some part of this team that I've come to love will be gone by next year. There's going to be a shake-up, and I feel like this game was the last time all of the faces I've come to associate with the Buffalo Sabres will be in HSBC Arena together.

Make no mistake, I want changes to be made. I would not be satisfied to see this same team trotted out in late September. This team needs a "new beginning," but I know that it won't come without a cost.

When the team saluted the fans after the game, I'll admit to getting emotional. Did they make me furious at times this season? Yes. However, you can't tell me that this team doesn't know and appreciate the fans here.

In 2005, it seemed like we were just at the beginning of a great journey with this new "core" of young rookies. In 2009, that beginning has ended, but we have no idea what the next one will hold.

It Ends Tonight

It's over.

Tonight, despite a 5-1 win over the 'Canes, the Sabres were eliminated from the playoffs with New York's 2-1 win over Philly.

That has to be one of the most helpless feelings in all of sports - your team did its part to stay in the race, but its destiny was in the hands of someone else.

In the coming days, I'm sure we'll all have our theories and comments on the season that was. Too little too late, needing too much outside help - I know that I should have seen this coming. I knew that it would take a miracle for this team to reach the playoffs.

That doesn't mean that this still doesn't hurt.

It hurts for me to see Ryan Miller so sad, when he was one of the few players who really stepped up this season.

It hurts to think that Saturday could be Lindy's last game behind the bench as a Sabres coach.

It hurts to have to pick another team to root for in the playoffs; it never feels right when I do.

It hurts to say goodbye to this team until October.

But I don't have to do that just yet. I'll be at the game on Saturday, and I hope that they go out on a high note. I hope they play with the pride and fire that they showed tonight because I was really proud of them. Tonight, they did all that they could in a game I thought they would never win. I just sincerely hope that they will put it all out there again Saturday, give the fans something positive to take into the offseason.

Another year, another bittersweet night in Carolina. It's funny how the circumstances were reversed, though. In 2006, it was a loss that left us in tears but the memories of a beautiful season that took some of the sting away. In 2009, it's a win that should leave us jubilant but the memories of a turbulent season that have us depressed.

Saturday still matters - for the fans, for proving that there's still some fight left in this team. It may be over for us, but it should never be played like it's over for them. That game is going to show us a lot about how this team really sees itself, and I can only hope that it makes me go into the summer with some pride left in these boys.

So When Does the Apathy Set In?

I should have reached that point already. You know that point; I'm sure many of you are at or have long ago passed that point.

The point where you just can't bring yourself to care anymore.

It's the point when you know that your team isn't going to make the playoffs, and you've come to terms with that fact. You start analyzing what needs to be done in the offseason to make sure this doesn't happen again. You pick your teams to follow in the postseason. You watch the games your team plays with a sense of detachment, a sense that if they can't bring themselves to care about what they put on the ice why should you bring yourself to care about watching it.

God, I wish I was there.

The thing is; I really suck at goodbyes. And that's what these final games of the season are for me - one drawn-out, agonizing goodbye.

As Buffalo sports fans, we run on hope. This is the ugly point in the season when our supply runs out, and we're left bitter once again. Without that hope of making the playoffs and the hope of a championship that comes with them, we begin to turn on our athletes and each other.

I'm not saying that well-informed criticism isn't good and even necessary when it's so obvious that changes need to be made. It's when those criticisms get personal that I get defensive. If I hear one more "I hate Ryan Miller" after he lets in a soft goal or "Pat Kaleta's a pansy who has no place on this team" I'm going to scream.

Also, I get saying that this team lacks toughness, but I'm so sick of hearing "These overpaid jerks have no heart." Though it may not always look like it, there are guys on this team that have a sense of playing for us and playing with a purpose every night. The problem is, the guys that do show up to play every night don't always have the talent to make it count. My sister, who is a highly competitive high school athlete, always replies to the "heartless" comment in the same way. She tells me, "Do you honestly think that a professional athlete, who has been trained for years to compete at his highest level, doesn't want to win every night?"

I'll admit that, unfortunately, the question does give me reason to pause at times with this team. However, I've come to a conclusion about them. They're like the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz - heart but no brains. They've shown how much playing for this city means to them - look no further than their charity work or the win over San Jose to see that. This doesn't mean, though, that I'm letting them off the hook. They need to grow up, to learn that their stubborn way of doing things isn't the best way, and I guess if that means letting some of them go or even letting Lindy go, then I'm going to have to accept that it's best for the team.

I guess all that I really want to say is that I'm not happy with this team right now, but I don't want to get rid of them all, either. I'm attached to these boys in an admittedly unhealthy way, and it hurts to see how quickly everyone has jumped off the bandwagon. Call me a homer; I won't deny it. I'm a fan but one who is trying to see a reasonable answer to the debacle this season has become. I'm mad, furious even, that they let this season slip away, but they're my team. Do I want some changes made? Of course. Do I want every guy traded and every front-office member fired? No.

What do I really want?

I want to stop caring.

Both Sides

The thrill of victory...

The agony of defeat...I promise tomorrow to have some kind of meaningful response to this game. For now, I'm emotionally drained from watching how sad my adorkable, favorite non-Sabres have become and wondering when we will FINALLY be where the Red Wings and their fans are tonight.

Someday...